Parenting, if only there was a manual!
When an appliance or car is purchased, it comes with a user manual, but when we become parents there is no instructions included! Fumbling in the dark, sleep deprived, away from community and family young parents try to figure out how to look after their newborn. As a new mother I often wished someone would write me a manual many a time. There have been many moments of doubt and self-criticism. In the end we all do what we can. Being on the path of yoga and training to be a yoga teacher gave me many gifts, in fact it has a manual! Now if only I had found this earlier in my parenting journey.
Yoga is a holistic philosophy that gives us a set of tenets how to navigate life in a connected and meaningful way. Yoga as a practice reminds us there is a depth to life other than just the daily grind. It allows us to find the beauty and wisdom in all that is around us. Yoga as a practice brings harmony between the mind and body. It acknowledges and treats the whole person; we ARE more than our bodies.
To complete my 300-hour yoga teacher training a thesis was required. By this stage my children were young adults, but it dawned on me as I delved deep in study of the one of main texts for yoga – Patanjali Yoga Sutras – that there is something very special here for parents also. Patanjali Yoga Sutras is the collection of verses about the theory and practice of yoga. While the sutras are guide to a person on path of self-inquiry and self-realization; it does also hold wisdom for the house holder.
Contrary to what we see in popular culture yoga is more than just bending the bodies in to fantastic postures. There are eight limbs of yoga, it is prescribed that they are to be learned sequentially, mastering one before progressing to the next. They are:
1. Yama – are principles that guide us how to live wholistically, it teaches us how to treat others and the world around us.
2. Niyamas – are standards fof self-discipline.
3. Asana – practice of yoga postures, allows the one to connect with their body, bring their outwardly focused mind back into the body.
4. Pranayama – breath control, through which we are able to invigorate our bodies and support destressing our nervous system.
5. Pratyahara – withdrawal of senses. It teaches to align focus inwardly for peacefulness.
6. Dharana – is concentration, it is a single pointed focus of the mind that supports meditation.
7. Dhyana – deep effortless contemplation on our reality, meditation.
My thesis focused on the Yama’s and Niyamas, the first two limbs. Specially there are five Yamas and five Niyamas. As you can already see yoga philosophy can be quite systematic. Systems, and routines are essential for parenting. They reduce the chaos of a busy life pulling parents in multiple directions.
As summarized by the Sri Sri Yoga School of Yoga: Yama are five social ethics. They include ahimsa – kindness, satya – truthfulness, asteya – nonstealing, brahmacharya – moderation and aparigraha – generosity. Niyamas are five personal practices or disciplines. They include saucha – purity, santosha – contentment, tapas – austerity, swadhyaya – self study and iswara-pranidhana – surrender.
Over the next issues of the Brisbane Indian Times, I will share what I wrote in my thesis and together we will explore practical strategies and tips of how we can take an ancient text on yoga philosophy and apply it today to parenting. It is a testament to our ancient knowledge keepers that they cognized knowledge that is timeless and relevant to today.
Disclaimer – I am not an expert in the Patanjali Yoga Sutras, I am a STUDENT. As a student what I have learned and understood I wish to share in the forth coming articles. These are my contemplations and learnings, if they resonate use it and do tell me about it! If your curiously has been sparked there are many books on the limbs of yoga and many schools of yoga, you can study with. I wholeheartedly encourage it! You don’t have to become a yoga teacher to do these teacher trainings, to me they are life trainings.
Written by Reema Naresh, Yoga Teacher and Ayurvedic Lifestyle Consultant. Reema, works at the University of Queensland at a research centre professionally. She is a keen holistic health enthusiast.
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August Part 2
Parenting, if only there was a manual!
The chaos parenting can be and why it is essential to have a solid foundation.
If you ask any first-time parents, they will share with you that with the intense joy and love they experience for their newborn infant they also feel intense anxiety and fear of caring for a vulnerable little human being.
It sure is a steep learning curve to fend for an infant’s biological needs, and a lot of focus goes into this in the early days. The new mother is hormonally primed to care and feed the baby. These needs get sorted out eventually and there is a sense of success as rhythms gets established. However, at each age new hurdles present, and parents very quickly learn not to gloat over mastering or achieving something as the baby for sure changes! This heralds in the new journey of a parent as more complex situations present and new parents have to navigate terrains they have never travelled.
Quite a lot of things impact how we parent. These include parents own mental and physical wellbeing, their own experiences of being parented, experience of trauma in early life or stability in marriage/partnerships. Then there is parenting alone, as a single mum or dad, mostly this falls on the mother in many communities. Then there is also progressing and balancing careers, including creating the economic stability to provide for their family. Then throw in the mix the increase and prevalence of behavioural and emotional difficulties, hyperactivity or internalising behaviours like aggression, anxiety and depression that children are experiencing. Let’s not even begin to talk about increase use of screens and the prevalence of attention deficient disorders.
When I think about my own parenting experience, away from my family and community, alone with only my nuclear family, I have immense empathy for newly immigrated families who have young children. Not only are you trying to start or establish your selves in a new job, but you will be learning to navigate new a health and education system, trying settle in new country and on top of all that you could be really home sick for family and traditions that would have surrounded you had you been back home. None of these are an easy feat! So, remember be kind to yourself. As with life – parenting is also a journey. Sometimes we are winning, and all is working well and other times we will be drowning in laundry, crying kids and looming deadlines at work. This is when I have turned to yoga, breathwork and meditation. It has been an iterative journey of self-correcting and as my kids grew older being told by them, when I erred!
Calling in some sanity to the chaos!
Yoga as philosophy is about going inward and becoming centred. When we to operate from a centred state, we are able to cope with whatever life throws at us. It is about creating equanimity in the chaos of life. It is about aiming for smaller/shorter reactions to experiences to the good or bad things that happen. The more centred we are, the more likely we will come from a place clarity and consideration for ourselves as parents and for our children and ourselves. Then we begin to see reactions to good or bad things morph into responses. The elegance of this can surprise you at times! Once, my primary school age kid asked me “you were really mad a minute ago, but now you are fine, how did you do that?”. That was a day I was winning and, trust me there were many when I was not.
I am huge proponent of parents investing in themselves and their wellbeing before they become parents. That’s right, parenting starts before we become parents. Because when all hells comes loose with a screaming, vomity baby at 3 am, several nights in a row; we will inevitably go to our default way of operating. Whether we agree with it, like it or not, we all will have moments where we have parented in ways that we would not have approved of had we not been in the that sleep depraved state!
Here I would encourage parents to invest in themselves before they become pregnant. It is what you have been practicing for a while, and that is the established habit or discipline that you will carry with you in your parenting phase. And, for those who have had babies, its not too late, you can still be work in progress, like the rest of us. Take some time and learn a stress management technique that can support you in your life and in your parenting. I have for over quite a few decades practiced a breathing technique call Sudarshan Kriya. So, by the time my children came this was a well-established practice for me. They grew up seeing me do these practices. So, look around and explore what suits you. If you want to know more about my twenty-minute daily practice you can reach me on [email protected].
So, in addition to having a practice that supports us daily, it helps to have a framework that we can look to for some structure and sanity. In parenting there were many moments when we all could have done with some structure and big picture views.
Let’s dive right into it! Why the Yama are good foundation for parenting: Yama are the social code of conduct, essentially the external discipline that helps create harmony with our outer world. Here are practical suggestions how the Yamas can be translated to parenting.
Disclaimer – I am not an expert in the Patanjali Yoga Sutras, I am a STUDENT. As a student what I have learned and understood I wish to share in the forth coming articles. These are my contemplations and learnings, if they resonate use it and do tell me about it! If your curiously has been sparked there are many books on the limbs of yoga and many schools of yoga, you can study with. I wholeheartedly encourage it! You don’t have to become a yoga teacher to do these teacher trainings, to me they are life trainings.
Written by Reema Naresh, BSc(Hons)(Psych), Yoga Teacher including post and prenatal yoga certified and Ayurvedic Lifestyle Consultant. Reema, professionally works at the University of Queensland at a research centre. She is a keen holistic health enthusiast. You can contact her via [email protected].
Yama Social Code of Conduct
- I will be kind to myself and not be overly critical. I am learning how to be a parent.
- I know how I behave will be how you will measure your interactions with others.
- I will respect and honour your body. I will touch and speak to you with love and gentleness.
- In the way I choose to discipline, I must build you up, not break you down.
Young child
• Mummy/Daddy will use their words; I can also.
• We will use gentle hands and words.
• We do not hit/bite/scream at others.
• We care for animals, nature, and other people
Teens
• I will figure out alternative ways to work through feelings of aggression/ anger/frustration.
• I will ask for help when I am struggling to fine a better way.
• Violence is a poor way to solve problems.
Asteya Non-stealing
Parent
Brahmacharya Moderation
Parent
Aparigraha Generosity
Parent
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